Saturday, February 26, 2011

Cute Cousins and Cosmetology!

Remember that one time that I did my cousin Jessie's hair for her Valentine's dance? Well that night we decided I should give her a new hair cut. We've been trying to get together to do that since then, but the time didn't come until tonight. Man, was it fun! I ended up doing all the girls' hair, which involved several inches each and bangs for each. I styled their hair too, straightening Jessie's curls and curling Kendra's straight hair. SO CUTE! I also cut the boys' hair, which Jerrod liked and was practically the worst thing that Ryker could have experienced ;) He just loves his long hair! I did my best to leave it long but still respectable. I seriously had a blast tonight, and I just love this family so much!!!
Jessika, Lyssa, me and Kendra
Silly faces!
Fun with the boys too!

Thanks so much for an awesome night! I love you guys!!!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Lovers' Day and Lovell Days

If you know me, you know I'm not crazy about Valentines Day. This year was absolutely perfect though! DJ and I went out for lunch, then stayed home in the evening and he made me a steak dinner. It was great! He also gave me adorable little mini potted roses, which I'm happy to say are still thriving in the middle of my kitchen table. I decided that instead of any extravagant presents, I'd rather just have an allotment of money to go shopping with. Naturally, DJ was fine with that! I ended up getting some galoshes and an AMAZING pair of jeans. I feel great when I wear them! I'd post a picture, but they're in the washer right now. I'll show them to you a different day :)

One of my very favorite parts of good old V-Day was heart-attacking Nikki. The very best part was her reaction! I still have the voice mail she left me! I just love that girl so much! I just wanted to remind her that I'm cooler than boys ;)

Since we were keeping things simple, I decided to write DJ a good, old-fashioned candy bar love note. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda felt like I was in high school or something. I sat on the floor of my office and wrote it out for him. It was a blast!

So, last weekend was President's Day weekend, and DJ and I took advantage of the extra day off and took a weekend trip to Lovell. While we were there, Savanna had a basketball tournament. If you think you can't have fun at a 7th grade girls' basketball tournament, you're very wrong. First of all, check out the gym where it was held:
Oh yeah, that's a buffalo head on the wall behind the basket. A real one. I about died. You know you're in Wyoming when you see something like that! It seriously cracks me up and I love it! We had a great time cheering Vanna on and heckling the refs (which was mostly done by DJ... and let me tell you, his voice REALLY carries in a small gym! yikes!).
Vanna showing off her D
Me and Jax hanging out at the tourney.
Keesh, Sean and DJ watching the game

Between the basketball tournament, Taco Jimmer's, playing Annie's Kinect, hanging out with family, and making to-die-for peanut butter bars, the weekend was a success!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Have Your Way

I have an incredible friend who sent me such a sweet message a few days ago full of encouragement and love. She also recommended that I listen to this song. Everyone should listen to it. Seriously, I love how she knows what music means to me and how it can bring comfort like nothing else can. Thanks so much, Cam Cam!

Here are the lyrics, but make sure you listen to the song with the link I posted too:

Have Your Way Lyrics

Feels like i've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And i'm falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me.

So i'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And i'll trust you, god, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And i feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into gold.

So i'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And i'll trust you, god, with where i am,
And believe that you'll have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life.
My life.

And i'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And i'll trust you, god, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won't forget.
You love me.
Have your way.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Since last Wednesday when I posted my blog about having a baby, I have felt such an incredible outpouring of love and support that I can't even begin to describe the feelings I've had. The only thing I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you! I wish there was something better to say or do to express my gratitude, but all I can do is give you thanks and let you all know that you mean the world to me and that I hope you know how much I love each of you! I hope that someday I can repay you for all your support by supporting you in turn, but until then, just know how much I love you and how incredibly grateful I am. I also have to publicly thank my husband once again, for continuing to support me. If you haven't read his blog about his side of the story, I recommend it. You can get to it over on my side bar under the blog, "The Book of Laban." He's so great, and I just love him! Thanks again for all your support!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


This post has been a long time coming. I've been thinking about it for months, and I've tried to decide how it should be written, and if it even SHOULD be written. But in the end, this is my blog, and it's about my life, and this is a huge part of my life, and I really think I need to document it. Part of the reason I haven't written it is because I'm scared. It's scary to open up your heart and life to other people, but it's time for me to.

Anyone who knows me knows I want babies. Lots of babies. My whole life what I've wanted more than anything is to be a mom. What most people don't know about me is that I've been trying to have a baby for 16 months. Clearly, that hasn't happened yet. The last 16 months have been some of the most trying of my life.

DJ and I got married in August of 2009, and we planned on trying to get pregnant in about a year. In September of 2009, I went to a friend's wedding in the Manti temple (where I had been married less than a month previously) and I had a strong impression that I should have a baby. Needless to say, that scared me big time. I had been married less than a month! So I tried to ignore that feeling. Over the next month, I consistently felt like I needed to have a baby. But I was nervous to talk to DJ about it too much, because I thought maybe it was just my own desire to have a baby that was making me think about it so much. I prayed that if we were really supposed to have a baby, DJ would know. Within a week DJ came to me and told me he felt like we needed to have a baby. I was so nervous and excited! I went off birth control that night. Within a week of that, I had the impression come to me that it was going to take me a while to get pregnant. Of course, stubborn as I am, I suppressed that feeling, and got my hopes up that I'd be pregnant within the month. I at least expected to be able to tell my family at Christmas that I was having a baby.

The first few months when I realized I wasn't pregnant, I handled it pretty well. About three months into it, I started getting really upset every month that I wasn't pregnant. I cried harder than I've ever cried. At 6 months into trying, I went to the doctor, and she let me know that everything seemed to be fine with me, and she expected I'd be pregnant soon. Not long after that I started to get bitter. It got to the point that I didn't want to go to church, because it was too hard for me to see all the pregnant girls and new little babies. I was angry that they were able to have babies and I wasn't. I hated feeling that way. I felt like a completely different person, like the fun, happy, real me had been buried and what was left was a shell of a person who was bitter, angry, and miserable. I asked DJ to give me a blessing, and it helped a lot. Within a month or so my attitude had changed. I was still sad and unhappy that I wasn't pregnant, but I wasn't angry or bitter anymore.

After several more months of trying hard to be positive, I feel like I've gotten to a good place. It's been quite the process, but I can honestly say now that I'm okay. Do I still have days and nights that I cry a ridiculous amount because of the hurt? Of course. But I no longer allow my life to be defined by the fact that I have no children.

I've learned and re-learned some very important lessons over the past 16 months:

First of all, I am not in control. As much as I think I am and as much as I want to be, I'm not. My Heavenly Father knows what is best for me, and how much I can handle. He knows what I need and I just need to trust Him. As hard as that is sometimes, it's the truth.

Life isn't fair. It's not fair that some people get pregnant the day they go off of birth control and some have to wait years. It's not fair that I read stories in the news about abortion and teen pregnancy and I'm here with a great husband and the truth of the restored Gospel and I could take care of a child financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually, yet I'm the one with no children while hundreds of people who can't and don't care for their children get pregnant. It's not fair that I hear people complaining about how uncomfortable and hard it is to be pregnant when I would give anything to have that hardship and discomfort. But you know what else isn't fair? It's not fair that I have found such an amazing man to be my husband and take this journey with me. It's not fair that I live so close to my family, and that I married into an amazing family. It's not fair that I have a fantastic job in this terrible economy. DJ doesn't even have to work and can go to school and take lots of credits to get done faster. Because it's just the two of us, we're able to take trips and buy fun things like our bed and TV and still have money to put away in savings because of my great job, and that's just not fair! It's not fair that we have 6 temples within 45 minutes of our house. It's not fair that we have a sweet apartment that we pay less in rent for than our previous tiny apartment. See, there are so many positive things about my life that aren't fair, how can I really focus on the negative ones?

Just because I can't create children right now doesn't mean I can't create. One of the big reasons I have loved to craft, sew, and refinish furniture so much is because it allows me to create. It's an outlet for my creativity, and I've needed it so badly. It's really therapeutic, and makes me feel really great about myself.

There is nothing wrong with me. Not having a baby yet doesn't define me. It does not make me a bad person. It does not mean I'm messed up. It does not mean that I'm not worthy to have kids. It does not mean that people who do have kids are better than me. It does not mean that I'm never going to have kids. It just means that it's not time for me to have kids yet, and that I get to learn a lot of things that I might not have been able to otherwise.

Just 2 nights ago DJ and I were talking about marriage, and how it was hard for him sometimes because he wanted to get married, but he didn't until he was almost 25. He told me something that I know he's said before, but I finally took it to heart. He said, "Heavenly Father could have given me a wife sooner, which is what I was praying for every night. But now looking back on it, I wouldn't trade what I have for anything." I know that's how I need to look at this situation. Heavenly Father can give me the baby that I've been praying for every night, but clearly he's allowing me to wait so that I can have what I really want and deserve. Who knows what will happen when the time comes for me to have babies? Maybe I'll have a baby with special needs. Maybe I'll end up with triplets and be so overwhelmed I won't know what to do with myself. Maybe this is just happening so DJ can finish school first so I can spend all the time on my babies that they deserve. Who knows? I certainly don't. But I know that I will one day. I'll be able to look back and everything will fit together and I'll know why this happened and I know that I'll be grateful.

I have learned SO much more in the last 16 months than I knew was even possible. I know that because it's taking me so long to have a baby, when I do get to have one, I'll appreciate it so much more. I am not saying in ANY way that people who get pregnant quickly don't appreciate their babies. I know that the exact opposite is true. I have a sister-in-law and a cousin who are pregnant right now and I'm thrilled for them! And I know they're thrilled and will treat those baby girls like the precious little princesses they are! Another sister-in-law had a little girl just today, and I have never met a more patient, sweet mother! She was made to be a mother, and her 4 kids are blessed to have her! I have a sister and another sister-in-law who have 2 boys each, and when they want to get pregnant again I sincerely hope that they get pregnant the day they go off birth control. I've never felt bitter or resentful towards any of them. I've never wished they knew what it was like to feel how I feel. I love them all dearly, and one of the greatest things for me has been to have nieces and nephews that I can spoil and take care of to give their moms a break, because heaven knows they deserve it :) This trial is something that I need to experience, not them. We each have things we have to deal with in our lives, and this is just one of mine.

The greatest blessing and help through this whole process has been, without a doubt, my husband. I can't imagine anyone else handling it the way he does, and helping me the way he does. I know that I made the right decision in being sealed to him for eternity, and I couldn't be happier with our relationship. I'm grateful for the chance we've had to grow closer together through all of this. I'm grateful for the quality time we have to spend together. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This is just a little bump in the road for me. I know it won't last forever, but that I should learn what I can while it does last. I know my Heavenly Father knows what I can handle, and that gives me confidence because that means I can handle this.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Jessie's [hair] Girl

Yeah, I'm Jessie's hair girl. Pretty sweet! My cousin Jessika is a DOLL. The girl is seriously SO pretty, and I don't think she even realizes how beautiful she is, which means she is not stuck up, which naturally makes her more attractive. She has this amazing thick, curly red hair that I've been dying to get my hands on since the day we met. It's just SOOO pretty! I'm thrilled that she let me do her hair for her very first date tonight! She looked stunning! I did her make-up as well, but unfortunately the pictures make her eyes look darker than they looked in real life. But she really looks great. She's out on her date right now (don't think about it TOO much, Matt!) and I'm sure her date is in awe of her. I love that girl!!!