I've been struggling with the fact that I really want another baby.
It's different this time around. I feel like the first time, people were super sympathetic because I was trying for so long and it was my first baby and I wanted to be a mom so bad. This time, I already have a baby. That should make it easier-- right? I'm sure there are people who were trying to get pregnant when I was the first time and are still trying without success. So it makes me feel selfish and a little guilty for feeling so down about not having another baby yet. I'm well aware that my baby is not even a year old yet, but I've always wanted my kids to be between 18 months and 2 years apart, and that would mean getting pregnant between 2 months ago and 4 months from now. And I'm not pregnant. I went on birth control after having Lexsi, but only for about 2 months cause it TOTALLY messed with my body and I wasn't willing to deal with it. If the "worst-case scenario" was that I had a baby a year after Lex-- I was down with that. Well, hey, it's been 9 months and look at me... no more babies. I'm sure that's part of the reason I bought a puppy. I want more babies but apparently have zero control over when I get them, so... BOOM! Buy a puppy. {For the record, I'm very happy with my decision to add Cosmo to our family. I really have always wanted to get a dog, and Lex adores her. So this wasn't a rash decision that I'll regret later.}
I had this idea in my head that once I had a baby, it would be easy to have more. Like my body would recognize what to do. And I guess a little part of me really thought that since I would already have one baby, it wouldn't be so hard if it took a long time to have another.
WRONG!
It's just as hard as ever. Now I worry because I have another person in the picture as well. I WANT Lex to have siblings. I want them to be close in age. She deserves to have the experience of being a big sister. She needs that. Heaven knows she's spoiled-- if I don't have more kids soon, we may all be in trouble!
I think my mindset is a little better than last time. I hope so, anyway. I won't allow myself to sink as low as I did last time. My little girl deserves a mom who is more put together and in control than that. But I am to the point that when I find out other people are pregnant that I feel jealous. Not mad they're pregnant, never that-- I'm always happy for people who get to have babies! But I'm jealous because I want them too. And weirdly, I'm not jealous of people who have been married for a while and get pregnant with their first baby. I'm jealous of the ones who are on their second or third baby, particularly when their kids are close together. So... I'm jealous of the people who get what I want. That's just human nature, right?
Gah.
Part of the problem with me lately is that even to myself, I sound like a spoiled brat. I adore my husband and daughter. I'm so so blessed. And yet, I want more.
Today I heard a song by Katherine Nelson called "What's Mine is Yours." The chorus goes like this:
"What's mine is yours; it's always been.
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it.
I'm letting go, remembering,
Though heaven's doors seem shut, they're wide open.
What's mine is yours."
I know I'm supposed to have more babies. I KNOW it. But sometimes I lose sight of the fact that they're not really mine. They're my Heavenly Father's children, and they're on loan to me for this Earthly life. When He sees fit, He'll send His precious babies to me, and what an incredible blessing that will be. In the mean time, I need to be grateful for the time they have with Him, and be patient for the time when ALL of us are prepared for those sweet spirits to come to Earth.
Until then, I'll do my best to keep my chin up and be the best mom and wife I can be to the little family I'm blessed to call mine!
Don't believe anyone who tells you it's easier just because you already have one. When we were trying to get pregnant with Justin it just didn't happen like the others did. Pretty soon it got to where it's all I would think about, constantly. I felt the same way. I felt selfish, knowing that there were people out there who didn't have any kids...or people who actually knew what it felt like to *really* struggle to have children. I felt like I wasn't justified in feeling sad...I mean I already had 2, I shouldn't feel sad that I couldn't get pregnant with another, right? WRONG. I'm not trying to say I know how you feel, obviously our situations are different, but some of the best advice I received...feel how you feel. Don't worry about what other's think. Don't tell yourself that you are being selfish, or that you shouldn't feel that way. As long as it's at a healthy point (not a *deep* depression or something where you can't function), just feel justified in whatever you feel.
ReplyDeleteI can say it. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You deserve to feel sad. It's just as bad the second time around, if not worse. I feel horrible when I see Sam around babies and see how cute he is with them, and it just breaks my heart that he doesn't have a sibling. I also wanted to have my kids about 2 years apart, and for some reason, it's just not going to happen that way. But I learned a long time ago to trust in God's timing, not matter how much I really hate it sometimes. Until then, look at the positive side of things. If Sam wants someone to play with, I can call up a friend to come play, and when they get bored, I can send them home. I never have to worry about splitting time between kids. I get to know my kid in a way that parents with multiple kids close together will never get to experience. I can give Sam whatever he wants without worrying if the others are getting the same amount. I get to spoil my kid rotten. I'm going to brag a little about Sam here. I've been told by so many people that Sam is one of the awesomest kids out there. I think that the way he's turned out is in part to being an only child. I can devote all my attention to him to make sure he's turning out right. Last summer, I threw Sam a party that was over the top cool. I went overboard with everything, and Sam loved it. One of the other moms (who had 5 kids) mentioned that she would never have the time to be able to do something like that for her kids. Could you imagine throwing awesome parties for 5 kids every year? Because Sam was my only one, I was able to do that for him, and I plan to do it again this year. I never have to break up a fight. I don't have to deal with, "He's touching me!" "He's on my side!" "He took my toys!" I could come up with so many great things. Granted, I've had 4 years to think about all the awesome things that come with having one child. And it's ok to be jealous and mad. I've definitely had my moments every time I find out I'm not pregnant, or another friend gets pregnant. I know how hard it is to not get what you want. Just remember that Heavenly Father has something in store for you, even if it's not exactly what you want. Now, I'm going to end this novel. I've got to take Sam to preschool so I can enjoy my 3 hours of absolute alone time until he comes back home :) Keep your chin up! And I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteYou girls are the greatest :) I'm so blessed to have you as cousins! Thanks for understanding! I know you know I do love my life, and it's mostly happy. I just get down sometimes, but well, we all do that, right? Thanks again-- you're the best!!!
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