I Lied

Over the past few weeks, I've gotten very well acquainted with this guy:

But I really have no reason to complain, because I happen to be carrying one of these:

Woohoo!  I'm 9 weeks pregnant!  (By the way, that ultrasound isn't actually mine.  But that's what my baby looks like right now).

Remember how I went in for an HSG in June?  Well that was a lie.  I was supposed to go in, but I never started my period so I never had to pay that $400!  So yes, I lied and said that I did it, but the thing is, I've been so open about everything that if I didn't pretend that I had done an HSG then everyone would ask about it, and I didn't really want to tell the world I was pregnant at like 4 weeks.  So, please accept my sincere apologies for lying to you.  Haha!

I wrote all about the experience of finding out I was pregnant and keeping it a secret, so I'm just going to post that now:

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Tuesday, June 7:  I waited til DJ left for work in the morning before getting up and taking a pregnancy test.  I didn't want him to worry about me all day when it came back negative.  And I wasn't really looking forward to feeling rejected once again.  So... I took the test, set it on the counter, and got ready to get in the shower.  I glanced over to the counter at the test... and saw two lines.  TWO LINES!!!  According to the instruction book and what was printed on the actual test, I was pregnant.  I really wish someone had recorded my reaction.  I picked up the test and must have stared at it for at least 30 seconds.  I was just so confused.  Then I started laughing and crying.  Then I started praying.  And you know what the first thing I said was?

"Thank you for allowing me to experience the last 20 months."

 And then I stopped and thought about what I had just said.  Really?  Thanks for the most excruciating time of my life?  For the nights I cried so hard I threw up?  For feeling so inadequate and that there must be something wrong with me cause I wasn't blessed with a baby yet?  For the days I wanted to strangle anyone who mentioned the word "baby" around me?  The words of my prayer had just popped out, without me really considering what I was saying.  It just felt like the right thing to say.  And then I realized  I actually MEANT those words!!!  I had the opportunity to grow so close to my husband and my Savior.  I got to learn so much about myself.  The hardest things in life really are the best.  They ground you and your testimony WAY more than any of the good times can.  So I really am so grateful for the last 20 months.

The rest of the day, I continued to be in shock.  I couldn't really wrap my mind around the fact that I was indeed pregnant.  I've conditioned myself for 20 months not to expect it, not to really ever think it was going to happen.  Not really.  Cause then you get excited, and the letdown is terrible.  So my mind was still in denial.

I went to work, and while I was there I started looking online for fun ways to tell your husband you're pregnant.  That made me start to get weepy, then really excited (blasted hormones!)!  The worst part then was that DJ was working until 9:30 that night and I had to wait 13 hours from the time I found out til the time  I could tell him.  I decided to get some BYU baby clothes and wrap them up, then write a note that said, "For the newest little Cougar fan, arriving just in time for March Madness!"  I went to Wal-Mart to find some stuff but they didn't have anything good.  I did, however, get another pregnancy test of a different brand (have I mentioned I was skeptical of actually being pregnant?  Funny how trying for so long really does that to you!).  I literally took that pregnancy test in the bathroom at work.  I was too anxious to wait another hour before I got off to take it.  It immediately showed I was pregnant and I was a little more confident after 2 positive results.  After work I went to the BYU Bookstore (I was so worried I'd see DJ on campus at work and he'd question why I was there!) and I bought a newborn BYU beanie and 2 sets of BYU Booties... one for a boy and one for a girl.  (Wouldn't it be awesome if I actually needed both?  HA!)  I had them wrap it for me and I put in a note that said, "For the newest little Cougar fan, arriving just in time for March Madness 2012!"  When DJ got home, I started shaking.  I was so nervous and excited to tell him!  I got the present out of my bedroom and handed it to him.  He reached in and pulled out one of the sets of booties, then exclaimed, "Are you PREGNANT?!?!!?!"  I just nodded and he grabbed me in a big hug.  He kept saying, "That's so cool!"  I proceeded to tell him the events of my day.  He told me that he wasn't really surprised, because he had thought that I was pregnant but he didn't want to say anything and get my hopes up.  All in all, one of the best days of my life.

Wednesday, June 15:  I had real morning sickness today.  I've been queasy some other times, but today, I threw up twice before work.  So gross.  I almost kinda loved that it happened.  Not while it was happening, of course, but afterwards, it kinda made me excited.  haha.  such a nerd!

Sunday, June 19:  Note to self: a "jelly bean party" at 6 weeks pregnant is a bad idea.  I almost lost it.  Too many flavors all mixing together.  I had to quit early.

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The part where I said I liked throwing up cracks me up now, cause the last 2 weeks I was so sick that I wasn't able to eat.  I was throwing up like 5 times a day.  I lost weight, I was miserable... It was just bad.  I got a prescription from my doctor and it controls the nausea, it just makes me really tired.  I'd much rather be tired than sick though!  I don't think I have any reason to complain, no matter how sick I get, because I prayed for this for 20 months!  I asked for it, and I got it.  I am 100% convinced that I'm pregnant right now because the time is right.  I wasn't on any fertility treatments, I didn't have an HSG, I just got pregnant.  Obviously, Heavenly Father knows what's best, and obviously I wasn't supposed to have baby before now.  I'm due February 12 (2/12/12...how cool is that?!?!) so DJ will only have a couple months left of school after the baby is born, which is so awesome!

I went to the doctor yesterday and had my first ultrasound, and heard the baby's heartbeat.  I'm convinced I'm having a girl.  I've always thought I'd have a girl first, and the heartbeat was 168 beats per minute!  We'll see what happens in about 8 more weeks :) 

The one thing I've been worried about is how this news will affect all my good friends who I know are aching for babies too.  I know how it feels to want a baby and how it feels when your friend gets one and you don't. I know that no matter how happy you are for them, there's still a nagging feeling of "when will it be my turn?"  I just want you girls to know how much I love you!  Please still keep me posted on how things are going with you.  I know that you know that you'll get that baby when the timing is right, but that doesn't make it easier right now.  Just keep pushing through, and when you get that baby you'll appreciate it so much!  I just love you so so much and I want you to know I'm rooting for you!!!