"Silently we pray for courage to accept thy will, to listen and obey."
I went to my old English ward this morning, because my friend's sweet baby was getting blessed in Sacrament meeting. I love that ward! Ever since my first week in Brigham City I've loved the ward. About a month ago, completely out of the blue, I had a very strong impression that my family needs to go to the Spanish branch here in Brigham. I didn't want to listen, because I had felt like I had just started to really get settled in the ward I was in, had made good friends, and I absolutely LOVED my calling {1st counselor in the Primary}. I had not even considered going to the Spanish branch here. I knew that the prompting was real, and it had come unexpectedly just like the first time I received a prompting to attend a Spanish ward in Spanish Fork. I told DJ about it and of course he was all for it. That Sunday we went to the Spanish branch for the first time. I felt certain I'd receive a strong feeling that this was where I needed to be-- because I've had that experience over and over in my life. When I've started attending a new ward, I've felt the Spirit very strongly and felt confident that I was where Heavenly Father wanted me. I've just come to expect that confirmation. This time, it didn't come. I felt really confused-- why had I had the prompting originally and then not received confirmation when I followed through? I explained my doubts to DJ, and he assured me that if the prompting was right a few days prior, it was still right now. I still had my doubts.
In Institute that week, my professor taught me an important lesson. I was a little late for class, and the first thing I heard when I walked in and sat down was, "Having faith is to act and do." He then used an analogy that really helped me: Imagine your life as a boat, and you're in the sea, working to get to land, which represents the blessings Heavenly Father has in store for you. Suddenly, your boat sinks. You don't understand why-- you were just trying to do the right things and get where Heavenly Father wants you to be, so why is this bad thing happening? You have a choice-- give up and drown or start swimming. When you start swimming, you find things on your way to land that help you-- life jackets and life boats. In the end, with help, you make it to land.
In our own lives, we may be making good choices and doing good things and suddenly something happens that kind of turns us upside down, We don't understand why, but we have a choice: give up and lose faith, or move forward. As we move forward, Heavenly Father sends us help to get us where we need to end up.
We may not understand why things happen right now. But eventually, we WILL understand. I completely believe that. The Sunday after my Institute lesson, we requested that our church records be moved to the Spanish branch. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to have courage to accept his will in this regard and to obey. I still don't know why I'm there, but that really doesn't matter to me. I know that as long as I'm doing what He has asked me, I'll be better off.
Another thing that has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks is infertility. I obviously have dealt with infertility. The interesting thing is, until a few days ago, it didn't really occur to me that I'm actually still dealing with it. When I was trying to get pregnant with Lex, I went through some really dark times. It was so so hard. Three months after she was born I went off birth control and every month I really hoped I'd be pregnant. I was so blessed that I was able to be pregnant again before she turned a year old! I never even went on birth control after Mia was born, and part of me just assumed that I'd be pregnant before she was a year old, because that's what happened last time. News flash: her birthday was a month ago and I'm not pregnant. I'm mostly okay with this. I sometimes joke with DJ that I'm done having kids. My life is actually getting easier right now, with both the girls old enough to play together and have some independence. The thought of them getting older and needing me less, and then having a newborn is a little daunting to me. I've always wanted my kids to be close together. The thing is, though, I'm in a pretty good place. The good thing about not being crazy fertile is that you come to the understanding that you're really not in charge. The truth is, God is ALWAYS in charge, whether you think it or not. Just because you've been able to get pregnant easily in the past doesn't mean you always will. Just because infertility doesn't run in your family doesn't mean it won't affect you. Since I dealt with infertility early on in my marriage, I was able to get that perspective, which I'm grateful for. It makes the fact that I have been off of birth control and not pregnant for 13 months more manageable. Do I still hope each month that this will be the time I'll find out I'm pregnant? Of course. Do I worry that if next summer comes and all my sisters in law who are "planning" on getting pregnant are blessed with that opportunity and I'm still not pregnant that it's going to be really hard for me? Absolutely! I've dealt with people close to me getting pregnant before when I desperately wanted to be, and it sucks bad. I was never angry toward them that they got what I wanted-- but it still really hurts to want something so much and not understand why you can't have it and others can. I really don't want to experience it again, and it's something I'd never wish on anyone else. The good thing is, I understand that Heavenly Father is the boss. He knows I want a lot of kids, and He knows I'll take whatever and whoever he will give me. I also know that He knows what's best, so even when things get tough, I can trust that He will make the right decisions to help me in my life. He is giving me courage to accept His will. He is giving me courage to listen to His will and be obedient to it. As long as I trust in Him I'll be okay!
