9-10-11 Months

So-- hey!  Haven't done Lexsi's monthly update for the last quarter of the year... oops.   Let's just say I didn't keep up so that when I don't do it for any of my other kids they won't feel as bad.

Anyway...  Lex is so big now.  Over the past few months she:

-- Has turned into a master crawler.  She's so fast!

--  Is more punky than ever-- she knows she's not allowed to push buttons on the DVD player and X-Box, so she starts to crawl slowly toward them, and as soon as DJ or I say her name in a warning tone, she crawls as fast as her little legs can take her towards the untouchable, and pushes buttons as fast as she can.  When we come pick her up, she laughs her head off.  We've been holding her on time out on our laps when she does things she knows are wrong, which she doesn't love.  It's sooo hard not to laugh though, because before she gets off time out, she has to turn toward us and we talk to her about what she did wrong.  She usually throws her head back or looks anywhere EXCEPT our faces-- she knows she's busted.  She also will lean forward and give you hugs to try to get out of the talk.  The funniest time was when I let her go and turned her toward me, I held her face in my hands to make her look at me, and she YELLED at me!  For several seconds, she just yelled right in my face.  You have no idea how hard it was not to crack up.  I think I managed to do okay with keeping a straight face.  Good grief, that girl!!!

-- Is talking more.  Her two newest words are "Hi!" (which is absolutely adorable), and she said her first Spanish word, "Mas."  {"Mas" means "more," FYI.}  So, now we're in the crazy zone where we have to try to figure out what she says in English AND in Spanish, and what is still just babbling.  It's pretty much awesome.

-- Loves to sing!  Her favorite songs are "If you're happy and you know it, " {she loves to clap her hands!} and "The wheels on the bus."

-- Plays peek-a-boo.  She doesn't always get her hands over her eyes, but if they're on her face at all she thinks it's peek-a-boo.

-- Pulls herself to standing.  She isn't cruising furniture yet, which I think is because we don't have any low furniture... She and I spend 6 hours a day upstairs where there's literally nothing for her to pull herself up on so... we'll work on that :)

-- Is a total bookworm.  She'll dig through a whole bin of toys to get to a book on the bottom.  She reads for literally hours every day.  She flips through her books and "reads" them out loud.  It's absolutely adorable!

I'm dying that I'm less than a month away from my baby turning a year old.  Where has the time gone?!  I adore her, and I'm sooo grateful for all the light she brings to my life every day!!!

9 months old:

10 months old:

11 months old:

Babies

I've been a little off lately.

I've been struggling with the fact that I really want another baby.

It's different this time around.  I feel like the first time, people were super sympathetic because I was trying for so long and it was my first baby and I wanted to be a mom so bad.  This time, I already have a baby.  That should make it easier-- right?  I'm sure there are people who were trying to get pregnant when I was the first time and are still trying without success.  So it makes me feel selfish and a little guilty for feeling so down about not having another baby yet.  I'm well aware that my baby is not even a year old yet, but I've always wanted my kids to be between 18 months and 2 years apart, and that would mean getting pregnant between 2 months ago and 4 months from now.  And I'm not pregnant.  I went on birth control after having Lexsi, but only for about 2 months cause it TOTALLY messed with my body and I wasn't willing to deal with it.  If the "worst-case scenario" was that I had a baby a year after Lex-- I was down with that.  Well, hey, it's been 9 months and look at me... no more babies.  I'm sure that's part of the reason I bought a puppy.  I want more babies but apparently have zero control over when I get them, so... BOOM! Buy a puppy.  {For the record, I'm very happy with my decision to add Cosmo to our family.  I really have always wanted to get a dog, and Lex adores her.  So this wasn't a rash decision that I'll regret later.}

I had this idea in my head that once I had a baby, it would be easy to have more.  Like my body would recognize what to do.  And I guess a little part of me really thought that since I would already have one baby, it wouldn't be so hard if it took a long time to have another.

WRONG!

It's just as hard as ever.  Now I worry because I have another person in the picture as well.  I WANT Lex to have siblings.  I want them to be close in age.  She deserves to have the experience of being a big sister.  She needs that.  Heaven knows she's spoiled-- if I don't have more kids soon, we may all be in trouble!

I think my mindset is a little better than last time.  I hope so, anyway.  I won't allow myself to sink as low as I did last time.  My little girl deserves a mom who is more put together and in control than that.  But I am to the point that when I find out other people are pregnant that I feel jealous.  Not mad they're pregnant, never that-- I'm always happy for people who get to have babies!  But I'm jealous because I want them too.  And weirdly, I'm not jealous of people who have been married for a while and get pregnant with their first baby.  I'm jealous of the ones who are on their second or third baby, particularly when their kids are close together.  So... I'm jealous of the people who get what I want.  That's just human nature, right?

Gah.

Part of the problem with me lately is that even to myself, I sound like a spoiled brat.  I adore my husband and daughter.  I'm so so blessed.  And yet, I want more.

Today I heard a song by Katherine Nelson called "What's Mine is Yours."  The chorus goes like this:

"What's mine is yours; it's always been.

What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it.

I'm letting go, remembering, 

Though heaven's doors seem shut, they're wide open.

What's mine is yours."

I know I'm supposed to have more babies. I KNOW it.  But sometimes I lose sight of the fact that they're not really mine.  They're my Heavenly Father's children, and they're on loan to me for this Earthly life.  When He sees fit, He'll send His precious babies to me, and what an incredible blessing that will be.  In the mean time, I need to be grateful for the time they have with Him, and be patient for the time when ALL of us are prepared for those sweet spirits to come to Earth.

Until then, I'll do my best to keep my chin up and be the best mom and wife I can be to the little family I'm blessed to call mine!